5 Absolutely Stupid Conspiracy Theories

7 min read
Conspiracy Theories

Do you love a good conspiracy theory? Do you love it because you believe it or because you love to mock it? In the case of this writing, it is the latter. Every now and then, you will run across a conspiracy theory that makes you think, “hey, there might be something to that.” Most of the time, however, the theory will make you think, “Wow, and that person is allowed to walk around unsupervised! How is that possible?” With that in mind, let’s look at a few conspiracy theories that have been making the rounds, and how ridiculous they really are.

5. Tinfoil Hats Make It Easier For The Government To Read Your Thoughts

Your Thoughts

The government is everywhere these days — in your emails, in your browser history, in your phone, in every building, on every street corner, and soon enough, no doubt, inside your refrigerator subtly implying that real patriots eat only what is listed as the most popular eating plan on Google. The only place they’ll never be is inside your head, thanks to that longstanding anti-surveillance weapon of the disenfranchised: the humble tinfoil hat.

Except, of course, if you start buying into this idea, you’re going to be doing yourself more harm than good. And we’re not just talking about the trace amounts of aluminum that are being absorbed into your scalp.

In 2005, a group of MIT students decided to test the effectiveness of three tinfoil hat designs against a varying barrage of radio frequencies. The good news is that they all successfully managed to block out most of the radio frequency spectrum, except the ones allocated for “mobile communications and broadcast satellites” (2.6 Ghz) and “aeronautical radio-navigation and space-to-earth/ space-to-space satellites” (1.2 Ghz). In those two cases, the tinfoil actually amplified the signals they were meant to be defending against. And since these are the ones relating to satellites, we hope Costco allows you to return all that foil. You’re going to need that chunk of change for building a radio-proof underground bunker.

4. Holocaust Denial Is Even Stupider Than You Think

You Think

One of the key arguments made by Holocaust deniers like David Irving is that, because historians have (so far) been unable to find a written order from Hitler ordering the start of the Holocaust, it never happened. Which means that the thousands upon thousands of documents we have detailing the mechanisms of the genocide — which include train manifests, prisoner records, and orders for Zyklon-B, for instance — must be fakes worked up by the Allies.

What these permanently-out-to-lunch people never manage to explain is exactly how the Allies managed to create countless numbers of fake documents and distribute them perfectly through Europe, but never, ever thought to spend a few minutes banging out a letter signed by one Herr A. Hitler. You’d think this would’ve been the first thing they would’ve faked if they were really behind this, but no. They were “Naked Gun” levels of dumb and “Mississippi Burning” levels of evil.

Of course, the obvious rebuttal to this theory is the fact that Hitler was notoriously cagey about writing down murder instructions (on account of how he did that once and people got really mad at him). Then there’s how he spent a good chunk of his life telling people how much he wanted to kill Jews. In a letter dated September 1919, for instance, he wrote: “A rational antisemitism … must lead to the systematic legal fight against and the elimination of the prerogatives of the Jew. It’s ultimate goal, however, must unalterably be the elimination of the Jews altogether.”

Or how about this statement that he gave to journalist Josef Hell in 1922: “Once I really am in power, my first and foremost task will be the annihilation of the Jews. As soon as I have the power to do so, I will have gallows built in rows — in Munich, for example — as many as traffic allows. Other cities will follow suit, precisely in this fashion, until all Germany has been completely cleansed of Jews.”

If anyone in Nazi Germany had asked Hitler to make his intentions toward the Jews perfectly clear, he would’ve slammed down a copy of Mein Kompf on the desk and asked if they’d ever checked out this little thing called his entire career to date. Hitler’s whole bile-encrusted bibliography is his confession, and the bizarre contention by Holocaust deniers that we need to give him the benefit of the doubt really makes one suspect whether they’re really asking these questions in good faith.

3. Flat Earth and Climate Change

Earth And Climate Change

According to earthers, the planet is basically a giant Frisbee careening through space. You’ve got the North Pole at the center, the various continents stretched and contorted outward like dirt pancakes, and last but not least, a massive ice wall running along the outer edge, which serves to keep the oceans from leaking off until a zombie dragon destroys them.

Of course, most reasonable people point to the super-sized oil companies and their destructive drilling practices as dangers to the ice. Our climate is shifting, our elected officials are too busy getting campaign contributions from lobbyists to care, we’ve got a very short time to turn things around, and an iceberg the size of Delaware recently split off Antarctica. And if the earthers have got this right, our oceans — and everything floating in them — are destined to be slurped into space with a comical “blowing a raspberry” noise.

Even if it turns out we’re living on a flat Earth and we stop climate change (both equally unlikely possibilities, if we’re honest), the ice wall still wouldn’t be safe. The circular shape of our planet helps protect us from solar radiation. If that goes bye-bye, that ice wall (and us) will die in agony.

Man, a flat Earth sounds terrible. Why do people believe in this?

2. Tragedies Are Staged And Staffed With Crisis Actors


Whenever a mass shooting or terrorist attack occurs, it doesn’t take long for a certain spectrum of conspiracy theorist (i.e. the worst kind) to start shouting about how [insert fresh tragedy here] was a fake operation implemented by the government, and that the “victims” and their “bereaved loved ones” are in fact actors hired to make everyone feel sad enough to give up their guns / plastic straws / whatever they’re crying about this week.

If you pay attention to these ramblings, however, you might begin to notice a gigantic flaw with this idea. Namely, this sinister, well-oiled machine of tyranny is so strapped for funds that it’s forced to reuse the same actors over and over again. It’s as if they’re a talent agency with only, like, ten people on their payroll and no knowledge of this thing called “photography.”

On the rare occasion that the government does need to hire a new member of the squad, meanwhile, they rely on one method and one method only. Hitting up their mercenary contacts? Plucking someone from their brainwashing camps? Craigslist? No, no, and … yes, surprisingly. A Craigslist ad, for instance, which “proved” that anti-fascist demonstrators who came out to protest the white supremacist rally in Charlottesville in 2017 were, in fact, paid by the Democrat National Committee to show up and cause trouble.

Another ad supposedly sought “extras background” for the mass shooting that occurred in San Bernardino, California in December 2015. This was also apparently posted on Craigslist — a fact that is absolutely indisputable because it says so. It’s the word with the red squiggly typo underlining that appears in Microsoft Word.

You can find as many examples of this insanity as there are awful tragedies to exploit and paranoia-dissipating medications not to take. But it’s (sort of) heartening to know that the Deep State has the same shopping habits as us. It’s only that where we use Craigslist to buy and sell lawn furniture and flea-bitten mattresses, they’re using it to usher in a new era of totalitarian rule. So maybe not so much hanging out on Craigslist…

1. “Pizza-gate” Is Real, And You’re Guilty

You're Guilty

The first issue here is calling every single scandal that ever occurs as “something-gate.” This really needs to stop. The Watergate scandal was from 1972 to 1974. It’s 2019. It’s been 45 years. When are we ever going to let this go and move on?

Back to the pizzas. In 2016, a cache of emails stolen from the inbox of John Podesta (the chairman of Hillary Clinton’s presidential campaign) was disseminated across the internet by Wikileaks. From these emails, the “Pizza-gate” conspiracy was born, a breathtaking mosaic of moon logic which alleges that a cabal of D.C. elites was running a child sex trafficking ring from the basement of a well-known local pizzeria.

As you’d expect, this story got a lot of traction among Donald Trump’s base.

According to the geniuses behind Pizza-gate, these elites communicate their desires through a series of code words. This has a basis in the documented behavior of real pedophiles, who tend to use a lot of euphemisms in their internet posts as a way of avoiding detection by law enforcement. To the untrained eye, these posts don’t mean anything. They’re just a garbled mess that requires 3D glasses and a special decoder ring to understand.

In compiling this list, we’re not sure if we should be amused by the stupidity or scared of the power of delusion some people have. In any case, we’re quite sure that there will be many more of these crackpot theories to talk about. If Hitler, tinfoil hats, climate change, pizza or Craigslist don’t kill us all first.