There’s a certain appeal to buying stupid things just because you can. Who hasn’t vacantly flipped through a SkyMall catalog and imagined a life where buying something out of a SkyMall catalog was a reasonable decision? However, once we land back on planet Earth and get back to deciding whether to pay the electric bill or the phone bill this month, we know useless overpriced junk when we see it. The following expensive, ridiculous products are made for people who only know “paying bills” as the time they hired two guys named William to install a floating bar in their swimming pool.
9. $1,220 For A Regulation Football Made Of Python
Let’s begin with some “outdoors-ey” things. While no one throws literal pigskin anymore, the options available for football material have never been more diverse. If you’re itching to impress your friends with a super-deluxe session of catch, you can even toss a ball made out of python.
If you’re prepared to pony up $1,220 for a football, the folks at Bergdorf Goodman are standing by to help swank-ify your life’s football-related moments. The ball comes in black (read: snake flesh), and has absolutely no special powers or features. It’s just an ordinary (and very, very expensive) football that won’t transform you into a snake or Tom Brady.
8. A $250 Jump Rope
Learning to jump rope was a childhood rite of passage, as was finding “jumpable” stuff, like garden hoses, shoe laces, your mom’s good towels, etc. Apparently, someone didn’t get that jumping random stuff was the whole point, and created a $250 jump rope … for reasons normal people don’t understand.
A company called Hock decided they could improve upon the classic version of a rope that you jump over by combining “minimalist style with innovative technology.” Those willing to forego groceries for walnut handles and anodized aluminum parts can launch themselves over 9 (adjustable) feet of natural leather rope. There’s no quantity discount, so if you’re planning to Double Dutch, be prepared to cough up the full $500 for a pair of these bad boys.
7. A Leather-Wrapped Plastic Igloo Cooler For $1800
You may not be familiar with the adage “Leather and water go great together,” possibly because nobody has ever said it, ever. That didn’t dampen the spirits of the Lappas company, who decided a leather-wrapped cooler was just the thing for rich people needing to terrify party guests and keep their drinks cold at the same time.
The one issue – it costs $1,800, the price of several mini-fridges and an old car. At least shipping is free.
We imagine the people responsible for this abomination are counting on the leather wrapping to distract potential buyers from realizing that inside is a plain old plastic Igloo cooler, available at Walmart for $15.
6. A Plain, Ordinary, $470 Candle
If you literally have money to burn, then we’ve got the product for you. Thanks to Jo Malone London, you can watch your money go up in smoke while enjoying the “compelling” scents of “Lime Basil And Mandarin” or “Pomegranate Noir,” a name that means absolutely nothing. Should you choose to indulge, each candle will set you back multiple car payments, or $470.
Even worse, it’s not special. It doesn’t contain any expensive essential oils, it’s not used for “aromatherapy,” and it’s not some long-lasting, slow-burning piece of survival gear that will provide illumination in the event of a zombie apocalypse. It is just a candle that costs as much as a laptop. It does include “complimentary” matches, although at that price point, the matches should be doing your tax return for you.
5. 14k Gold Staples For $118
When you are genuinely out of ideas and at a loss for what to spend money on, you can always spring for some solid gold staples. Sold by Garmentory, you can get 24 gold staples, plus a nifty box, for $118. While that seems pretty steep, it works out to just $4.92 per staple, which is perfect for those really special moments when a stack of papers needs just a little bit extra to keep them together. Unfortunately, to use them, you still have to put them in your $8 Swingline stapler and hope it doesn’t jam.
The folks at Garmentory would like to remind you that there are all sorts of uses for $118 gold staples, such as haphazardly punching them into your clothing for a look that screams, “I have lost all concept of value and social convention.” However, since you could just spend $5.50 on some identical-looking yellow (or blue or pink or green) staples on Amazon, this probably isn’t the best way to get a big bang for your bougie buck.
4. A $100,000 Wet Razor
If you have a hundred large lying around, or if your facial hair is the consistency of Kevlar, you might be in the market for the world’s most expensive razor. It’s made out of iridium, a substance that comes from meteorites and is so incredibly hard it’s mostly used to make rocket engines. Obviously, the next best use for this material, right after propelling things into orbit, is removing hair from your body.
It’s manufactured by Zafirro, who says their facial hedge clipper “pushes the boundaries of technology while creating an aesthetic that could be the centerpiece of a gallery collection.” Translation: it’s needlessly high-tech, but it’s also kinda pretty. It’s available only in limited quantities, since iridium is only available in limited quantities. You can suspend sound judgment and order it on their website, and the purchase does include free service on the sapphire blades and pure platinum screws for 20 years. We assume the only shaving cream worthy of this little gem is made of jellied pearls stripped from the ocean’s rarest clams, but Zafirro’s website neither confirms nor denies this.
3. A $100 Tube Of Toothpaste
What’s it like to actually pour money down the drain? Experience the sensation right from the comfort of your bathroom. The good people at Theodent have created a “luxury” toothpaste that, at $100 for a 3.4 ounce tube, lets you scrub your teeth with ten thousand pennies. Called “Theodent 300” and offering vague “clinical strength,” the tube itself looks like it was invented by a rich goon just before they threatened to shut down the local rec center.
Naturally, brushing with Theodent is a little dodgy. Instead of fluoride, Theodent contains a proprietary substance called “Rennou,” which is derived from cocoa plants and will (allegedly) keep your teeth from rotting and help get Kool-Aid stains off your tongue.
If you’re not up for diving head first into the world of luxury toothpaste, you can play in the shallow end with the Classic or Kids versions of Theodent, which are available on Amazon for a more comfortable $12 or $13. The kids’ stuff tastes like chocolate, so good luck teaching them not to eat it.
2. A Designer Toothpaste Squeezer for $195
Obviously, designer toothpaste calls for a designer toothpaste squeezer. According to theline.com, “This chrome-plated brass device affords a precise start and end to each day by ensuring you get the most out of every tube of toothpaste.” It’s the perfect thing for anyone looking for completely unnecessary items to fill up counter space in a bathroom.
For the bargain price of $195, you can have the satisfaction of wringing the last 1/100th of a cent of toothpaste out of each tube, and know that if you live to age 150, you might eventually break even (this does not apply if you are using Theodent 300).
1. A $100-A-Month Toilet Paper Subscription
If you thought toilet paper was the great equalizer, and that rich people wipe with the same paper squares as the rest of us plebes, think again. There is, in fact, toilet paper for the astoundingly wealthy. And it isn’t just dollar bills.
Zurich-based Joseph’s Toiletries offers a monthly toilet paper subscription for the bargain price of $100. Per person. Calling itself “toilet paper reinvented,” the natural “tissue pads” come with a bottom wash infused with vitamin B5 and zinc, which gets you all those vitamins that you’ve apparently been missing while you’ve been using the bathroom like a peasant.
Among our many questions is, what metric is used to determine an appropriate monthly ration of toilet paper? Did they make allowances for taco truck days and bad sushi? And how did they settle on a size for the pre-cut pieces, which could be extremely wasteful or woefully inadequate, depending on factors such as poo consistency and splash radius? Even more importantly, what happens if you exhaust your monthly allocation of butt wipers early? Can you get more, or are you left to forage helplessly in tissue aisle of your local Target like the rest of the great unwashed?