If you find yourself bored, the easiest cure is Twitter. This is the platform best known as the platform where random nobodies tell famous people to eat various body parts. Sometimes it’s the opposite: beloved luminaries taking time to hurl abuse at fartknucle69 for no good reason. And just like with non-famous jerks, these celebrities are often hilariously oblivious of the fact that they’re the ones looking like jerks.
WARNING: Do not read if you’d like to retain some respect for …
Nickelodeon’s Drake Bell Wants To Fight With Justin Bieber For Seemingly No Reason
Drake Bell formed one half of the popular Nickelodeon kids’ sitcom Drake & Josh. Since the show ended in 2007, Bell has needed something else to do, so he picked up a hobby: being a jerk toward people more famous than him.
It started in 2012, when Bell struck out at Katy Perry for participating in a biographical movie when she’d only been famous for a few years by that point. When Perry replied, sounding a little hurt, Bell backtracked like crazy, probably mystified that a much bigger celebrity actually noticed his diss. He dubiously announced that his tweets against Perry must have been due to someone “hacking” his account:
And then he tried to further repair the damage to his relationship with real celebrities by tweeting:
Now, Justin Bieber is kind of a jerk, but Bell seems to have a laser-focus on Biebs that nobody can explain. For instance, after Bieber was implicated in a house-egging incident (again: kind of a jerk), Bell fully launched into another tirade:
And … well, this kind of goes on and on:
Incidentally, all these tweets have been deleted. Hackers never rest.
There’s no evidence that Bieber and Bell have ever met, which makes this whole “feud” all the more bizarre. In fact, as far as we can tell, Bieber has only ever weighed in on this entire thing once, and given that there’s a first time for everything, we have to admit that he is the much bigger man here:
This one was deleted too, but we don’t blame Bieber if it was him.
William Shatner Thinks Disney Is Teaming Up With “SJWs” To Harass Him
William Shatner had every opportunity to propel himself to A-list stardom after his role as Captain Kirk in the original Star Trek. So why has he been reduced to jokey cameo bits in Sandra Bullock comedies while, say, Patrick Stewart enjoys ongoing celebrity? Maybe it’s because everyone who has ever worked with Shatner thinks he’s an jerk.
Recently, Shatner discovered the popular online insult “SJW” (social justice warrior), an ill-defined term which generally refers to someone who is in favor of feminism, minority rights, or gay rights, but, somehow too much in favor of them. Shatner (or whichever nephew runs his Twitter account) has taken to accusing people of being SJWs, snowflakes, misandrists, and whatever other buzzwords he can resurrect from the boneyard of men’s rights activists:
Supposedly, this all has something to do with Shatner deciding that fans of the Starz sci-fi series Outlander should stop calling for two of the actors to hook up, and it got dumber from there. A bunch of authors who had written Star Wars books happened to be among the many Twitter users dismayed that Captain Kirk was being a turd. Shatner saw this as proof that he was the victim of a harassment conspiracy by the Disney Corporation, complete with all the MS Paint arrows and red lines you’d expect from an Alex Jones fan:
We still hope this all ends with the punchline to Shatner’s famous SNL sketch in which he admits he was pretending to be “the evil Captain Kirk from episode 37, ‘The Enemy Within.'”
Val Kilmer Randomly Declares His Love For Cate Blanchett, Keeps Making It Creepier
Remember Val Kilmer? Like many bygone celebrities, he’s still prolific on Twitter, where his tweets into the void occasionally take a turn for the strange. Take March of 2017, for example, when out of the blue he started tweeting about his undying love for Cate Blanchett, complete with a way-too-close selfie:
Now, it’s likely that Kilmer and Blanchett are good friends and this is all a lot of good fun. But Kilmer’s 220,000 or so followers started to feel a little uncomfortable after he continued to wax lyrical about Blanchett over the course of several days, interspersed with selfies of himself visiting New York landmarks.
Eventually his fans began pointing out that this was getting a little tragic and creepy. Rather than going ahead and admitting it was all a bit of fun, Kilmer dug in his heels and went on the defensive:
In a series of follow-up rants, Kilmer said, “She’s a friend of mine and I’ve met her husband thru the years and we’ve all gotten along just fine.” He added that “She will Back up every word I say n love that I say I love her. I would love an actor I didn’t even enjoy if he flew the world to talk about a role.” These tweets were later deleted, presumably as one of the conditions of the inevitable restraining order.
A Random Fan Wakes Up To Angry Private Messages From A Pro Baseball Player
We’re living in an amazing time in history, when we’re able to connect directly with our favorite celebrities from the comfort of our own homes, as long as you know their Twitter handle. You can be sure that 99 times out of 100, you’ll be completely ignored, but occasionally they’ll throw you, like, a retweet, or maybe even a response. What you’ll probably never get is a direct private message (DM), as the rich and famous rarely care about the opinions of the little folk. But that’s what happened to a Houston Astros fan named Allen H. after he posted a rather tame tweet about Astros pitcher Alex Bregman’s disappointing season performance.
When he woke up the next morning, Allen found a DM in his inbox from Bregman himself, who took time out of his day to respond personally and privately to some random guy to let him know he doesn’t know squat about baseball.
If you say Bregman’s name three times, he appears in your DMs like Beetlejuice.
Note that Allen H. didn’t even reference Bregman’s Twitter handle in his original tweet, which means that Bregman found it by searching his own name. (Hi, Alex!) Second, we’re not sure which misspelled creature he was alluding to Allen being “on the nut-sack of society,” but we’re reasonably sure it’s either a flea, a fly, or a bunch of geese.
Jaden Smith Rants About A Hotel Giving Him A Meal Exactly As He Ordered It
It’s not breaking news that Jaden Smith, the spawn of superstar Will Smith, is a little strange on Twitter.
But Smith came off as a little more of a jerk than usual in May 2017, when he took to Twitter, and, in his Usual Style Of Capitalizing The First Letter Of Every Word That He Types, he blasted the Four Seasons Hotel in Toronto. Their sin? Giving him a room service meal that made him Want To Throw Up On HimSelf.
So he hated his hotel experience. At least he only blasted them on Twitter and didn’t throw the TV out the window, like many Hollywood stars would decide to do. A minute later, Smith revealed the horrid crime that the Four Seasons had committed against him: They tried to kill him by putting cheese in his pancakes.
For background, Jaden Smith is a vegan. But being vegan isn’t like being allergic to peanuts. If a piece of cheese flies into your mouth, you don’t go into anaphylactic shock and die; you just get a bit grossed out. Honestly, considering it’s Jaden Smith we’re talking about, nobody is sure whether his allegations of a pancake assassination attempt are merely melodramatic or if this is what he truly believes.
Maybe the best part is that it later came out that the meal Jaden had ordered was the Four Seasons’ famous lemon ricotta pancakes. This only raises more questions. Does Jaden Smith not realize “ricotta” is CHEESE? Did it not occur to him to ask? More to the point, does it escape him that one of the primary ingredients of pancakes is eggs, which are also out of bounds for vegans? This truly is the riddle for the ages.