The vast majority of us have had pets at some point in our lives. Humans have kept animals as pets since the dawn of time. They make loyal and loving companions. But we’ve come far from the days when man and beast would sleep on the ground beneath the stars together. Our pets have recently become exceedingly pampered and fawned over. The products sold in specialty pet stores are evidence to this trend. Here are the most ridiculous, useless and just plain stupid pet products.
This punny product is meant to give your pooch a fashionable manicure or pedicure. Just like people! (Hint: Dogs are not people.)
There’s no better way to irritate your furry friend than to press them to the floor and forcibly clothe them. You’ll get the satisfaction of seeing your costumed pet stare perplexedly at you for a few seconds, and then commence removing/ripping/soiling his or her new outfit. (Also, see hint in Pawlish.)
This one is best described by a picture.
Absurdity knows no bounds. (Also, see hint in Clothing.)
“Hey, do you wanna go for a walk around the neighborhood?”
“Yeah sure! But what about Mr. Whiskers?”
“He can come along! I’ve got a Pet Stroller!”
Does this situation seem familiar to you? Of course it doesn’t. Any reasonable pet owner knows that carrying your cat out into the noisy and unpredictable world with you in a small, confined space is a very, very bad idea. (Also, see hint in Doggles.)
The Babble Ball is a toy that either talks or emits various sounds when touched. This toy could provide for two very unfortunate scenarios: Your dog is so intrigued by the Babble Ball that he plays with it all through the night. The sound of voices and strange animal sounds echo throughout the house. You, the owner, are kept awake for weeks on end and, consequentially, are driven insane. Your pup listens to the sounds of voices emitting from an inanimate object and his perception of reality is distorted. He eventually snaps and goes Cujo on you.
Chuckit! Ball Launcher
Tired of the incredible arm strain it takes to throw a small ball a relatively short distance? Then thank the sweet lord for the Chuckit! Ball Launcher. (Note: Anyone I see using a Chuckit! will be laughed at/pushed into a ditch.)
Kong Stuff’n Paste
A Kong is a rubbery, snowman-shaped toy that dogs apparently go nuts over. The primary reason for its popularity is the fact that the Kong can be filled with food, treats and practically anything else. Kong Paste is basically a can of doggie spray cheese in a variety of flavors that can be sprayed into the Kong. Alright, fine. But what happens when the Kong doesn’t get cleaned out completely? The chunks of meaty paste begin to fester in the corners of the rubbery snowman, creating bacteria and ultimately producing a small civilization; like that episode of The Simpsons (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Treehouse_of_Horror_VII).
Mitt Vibrating Massage
It’s the purrfect gift for any pet! Ha, ha, get it? But not really. This product is marketed as a massaging mitt that relaxes pets and strengthens the bond between pet and owner. I would imagine a different scenario unfolding: You walk over to Fluffy and turn on the massaging device that makes sounds similar to that of a vacuum cleaner. Fluffy reacts to the terrifying vacuum sound, engraving deep scratch marks on your arms. Fluffy has lost all trust in you as a dependable owner. You suck.
Secure Outdoor Cat Run
Your cat will thoroughly enjoy being confined in a weird green tube thingy for hours on end, being taunted by small animals protected by the layer of fabric that separates your cat from the fun, vibrant world.
Dog Poop Freeze
Although it is slightly embarrassing and nauseating to crouch down and pick up the steaming pile that Poochie just deposited, it is a necessary aspect of dog ownership; otherwise, there wouldn’t be a square foot of clean earth in Central Park. Dog Poop Freeze claims that with a simple spray doggy cleanup will be 100% easier. Here’s a hint: fire-extinguishing your pup’s poop isn’t going to make it a less embarrassing or disgusting task.
Bonus: My favorite product review from Amazon.com – “I reminisce about old days when a uncle and his born-again Christian nephew had to make poop sculptures out of WARM poop. Not anymore, Scooter. Now I can finally make that life-size poop sculpture of Debbie Gibson in my basement.”