We’re So Sick of These Hollywood Complaints


Hollywood Complaints

How often do we see actors pitch a fit and shake our heads and think, “Geez, I wish that was all I had to worry about”? Chris Evans stated that, after his next big Avengers outing, he’ll be done with the whole “wear an American flag and fight robot Nazis” shtick. We’ve been through so many instances where superhero actors talked about leaving, only to miraculously have their passion renewed after a generous pay raise. Thus, it mostly feels like Evans is hinting to his boss that he’s “totally done with something” while secretly hoping that the boss will donate to his Buy Another Tropical Island Fund. Whether it’s about money or creative control, actors seem unable to stop grumbling about problems that most regular people couldn’t dream of relating to. Here are some examples.

Why Am I Not Recognized For This Smaller, More Personal Role?

Back in college, I went to a party with a friend, and he was reminded about another party where he redecorated a bedroom to be more puke-themed. He sadly remarked to me that he wished he could be known for something else. He didn’t give any examples of what these things would be, but I imagine that they’re all more appropriate in polite society than blowing chunks into the room of a stranger.

Hollywood recognition follows “vomited everywhere at a party” law. It’s hard to ignore someone expelling their bile at an event, just as it’s hard for the general public to ignore you when you have your face smacked onto every T-shirt, action figure, and child’s sippy cup due to your part in a major blockbuster. You suddenly become more than just a normal person or actor. You have ascended past that. You’re now a “Batman” or a “Spider-Man” or a “Dude that passed out on a ping pong table.” You don’t really have a typical career. Your obituary won’t just say “Actor.” It will say “Actor and former iconic spandex-wearing crime puncher.”

Sure, you’ll have other things that you’re known for. That dude had other achievements. But to complain that they’re recognized more for being a super person than being the award-winning star of a movie that barely made quadruple digit numbers ignores how human perception works. And it ignores a lot of sippy cups.

If I see Christian Bale on the street, I’m going to yell “Hey! WHERE’S RACHEL? Ha-ha. I’M HILARIOUS.” And if I ever see that friend, I’m not going to greet him with vomit noises, but the first thing that will come to my mind is “There’s that guy… that once ruined a party with the sheer power of his own stomach juices.”

This Role Is Not Providing Me With What I Need

Role

You might also call this, “I don’t want to be Wolverine forever.” Taking on a role means committing to it. You have to maintain that same dedication that you had on the first, fresh, new day all the way through Day 80, when production has gone overtime and over budget, and Steven Spielberg is screaming “AAAAAAAACCCCCCCTTTTTT!” And then, if the film leaves room for a sequel and does well enough to warrant one, you might end up coming back. This cycle repeats itself, usually until the money goes away. But that’s the nature of the beast, and to disregard it means to disregard a hundred years of cinema history. We’ve been sequel-crazy since we decided that Frankenstein needed a bride. These things have a tendency to make money and then spiral out of control, meaning that it’s never going to be certain when exactly you’ll be finished. You could either learn that the movie flopped, or you could get a phone call the next day telling you to pack your bags and fly to Vancouver, because both BIRTH OF DOGMAN and DOGMAN VS CATBRO are being shot simultaneously.

But no matter what an actor is told or what they read in an initial script, they have to realize that the demands of a blockbuster will overcome any sense of creative fulfillment that they might have. What started as ideal because of the dramatic range that it allows will inevitably turn into running from explosions again. A promise to play a deep character means that you have to play the same kind of deep character repeatedly.

Whenever an actor, five movies into a series, whines about the fact that they want more from the role, they have every right to. But that’s like screaming about the lack of pumpkin flavoring when you’re halfway through an apple pie. You can’t sign on for a big action franchise in 2017 and expect us to feel sorry for you when your ninth Dogman film leaves you feeling like you’re rehashing Dogman 8.

Actors Are Important, And People Need To Respect The Craft

Important Actors

Actors aren’t really remembered for any sense of continued effort. The world knows them for the special two hours that they were in front of an audience. And they’re only remembered again when they get another two hours. So, when people criticize actors, or even acting in general, it appears unfair. They’re judging your value as a professional, and they were only around to see the very, very final results of your efforts. A finished film is so ridiculously small in comparison to the time everyone spent preparing for it, making it, and perfecting it, so when someone calls a performance “weak” or “underwhelming” or “a horrific glimpse into Jennifer Aniston’s nihilistic view of the human race,” it will always seem harsh.

Most people make jokes about actors and criticize actors and wouldn’t dream of attempting acting, but they don’t hate actors. They’re not out to displace the arts or support the “wrong kind” of acting. But the idea that your work will eventually be boiled down by other people into a showcase for, potentially, every person in the world, is outside of the realm of possibilities for them. It’s literally one of the only jobs in the world that operates that way. At the end of the year, a plumber doesn’t present the globe with a montage of his best bolt twists. The lady giving out samples in front of the Japanese place in the mall food court will never have to hinge her entire reputation on an annual “Best of Teriyaki Chicken Exchange” super event.

If a judgment of the acting craft seems particularly callous, it’s probably due to the fact that it’s hard to grasp every tiny intricacy of it. But that doesn’t mean that an acting job is beyond opinion or reproach. To view things that way would be to put acting in a special category of work, outside of “normal” jobs. And if you think acting is something that non-Hollywood people have no right to offer their two cents on, I hope someone uses your Academy Award as a practice butt plug, because you’re probably insufferable. And then when you take it home, no one is able to smell the poop on it but you.

I Don’t Want To Be Seen As A Movie/TV Actor

Movie Star

It’s one thing for actors to be stereotyped because of their ethnicity or gender. There are countless horror stories of Indian actors who try out for a film, only to be told “Okay, would you like to play Terrorist Number 2 or Comical Tech Support Man?” If you happen to fall into the pit of despair that is looking for gigs on Craigslist, you’ll find that most jobs for women basically amount to “Must look, like, super-hot, ya know?”

However, it’s another thing entirely when an actor complains about being typecast as a television or movie actor. It’s usually the former, with a nationwide chorus of “BOOOOOOO!” Every once in a while, you’ll see someone talk about the mire of television as if it’s an inescapable death march toward irrelevance, forgetting to mention that they’re already wealthy and famous from being on TV. They’re about as “made” as it gets, but woe is life, for they just read another pilot script about a half dozen friends that hang out in New York City. It’s so difficult to be in demand. And they all love meeting at the same restaurant, every day, and no one ever questions it or hopes for a better life.

With TV shows, you can get tied into multi-season contracts. This leaves you watching, puppy-in-the-window style, as all of your friends snag those choice movie roles. But try telling anyone in the world who isn’t doing what they want to do that you are, but it’s not the right kind of exactly what you want to do.

A rich TV actor whining about not being a rich movie actor has taken on a great new character: the most unrelatable person on the planet. It’s an awesome role, and despite what anyone says, in your own mind, you’re always the lead.

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