Insults That Aren’t Really Insults

6 min read

Here in the land of the interwebs, you can have armies of total strangers rake you over the coals for your opinions, actions, or for daring to exist. Of course, since we’re all old internet pros these days, the very act of insulting others online should be treated like cooking a gourmet meal – you need the finest ingredients mixed with the finest techniques. Otherwise, you’re the suckiest suck that ever sucked, and who needs that kind of suck? But sadly, some people never got that memo and they keep slinging the worst of the worst when it comes to tired, old, ineffective insults. Just look at this mess


Insulting People

What They’re Trying to Say: This is essentially the liberal version of the snowflake insult, although paradoxically, you’ll still see people on the right use it, as in “No, you’re the Nazi!” because schoolyard rules regarding rubber meeting glue are how all great political name-calling matches are settled.

The Nazi is, of course, a Nazi. You know what a Nazi is. But there’s debate aplenty over who qualifies as a Nazi and that’s why it’s an insult because no one, save a very few curious individuals, want to be identified as Nazis in 2019, no matter what they believe.

The fascist tag is very Nazi-esque but a more broad and judgmental insult. Nazi is what you are but fascist is who you are. At your core, you’re a freedom-hating, intolerant bigot. And then, of course, you can just toss in “zealot” or “Trumpeter” or whatever else besmirches the essence of conservatism inside someone.

Why it Fails: Without question, if you dare invoke any of these insults, you’ll be met with the one-two punch of predictable responses: 1) “Can’t think of a real argument to come back with?” and 2) “No, you are!”

Nothing convinces someone your head is empty faster than lobbing out a negative criticism of their political leanings. Because, as we’ve come to learn in this zany modern era, the one thing no one is ever wrong about is their own politics. God have mercy on those who believe other things because they are brainless Martians who eat paint chips. This is an easy position to hold because it applies to literally every spot on the political spectrum. Everyone is right about what they’re right about, everyone else is wrong. Without fail. And if they come at you with a critique of your politics – Nazi, fascist, communist, Libertarian, constitutional monarchist, well, whatever. You just don’t get it. You have no coherent thought so you’re just tossing out buzz terms you heard on Twitter.

No one has ever been called a Nazi, from Hitler to Richard Spencer to that guy with the Confederate Flag bandana on his pit bull, and then thought “Wow, I’ve devoted my life to wrong-headed stupidity! I must go mow the lawns of several minority neighbors!” Not a one. They don’t care because they don’t believe it. The insult falls on deaf ears because it lacks any kind of weight. It sounds like judgmental, inflammatory showboating, and no one responds to that.


Insult Upset

What They’re Trying to Say: You lack sexual prowess. You have too much sexual prowess. You have some kind of sex and I hate the sex you have. Stop your sexing.

Sexually based insults are some of the oldest in history – even Shakespeare wasn’t above a joke about someone’s loose morals. Despite the fact that 99.9 percent of humankind enjoys sex and we all got here as a result of it, historically we’ve acted like it’s a shameful thing and we should all feel bad that we’ve done it. Why? Because people are stupid.

Why it Fails: The issue with attacking someone else’s sexuality in any way is it’s just so much garbage. Calling me a virgin is on par with calling me a haberdasher. You don’t know if I am, and who cares anyway? Sexual hang-ups of such a juvenile fashion started dying off decades ago. When someone points them out now, it says a hell of a lot more about that person and their own sexual dysfunction than it says about anyone else.

Insulting someone’s enjoyment of or lack of engagement in an activity that doesn’t involve you is shallow and immature. If this isn’t clear, imagine replacing sex as the subject matter with lawn mowing. Look at this guy, he’s never mowed a lawn before! And check out this chick, she mowed five lawns in one day! Stupid, right? So are your sex “insults.”


Ugly Insult

What They’re Trying to Say: You show how hollow your head is when you ditch the subject at hand and cast aspersions at someone’s appearance. But of course, they wouldn’t put it as poetically as that. They’re just going to call you fat or ugly. Because they need you to know they got your number and that number wasn’t very hard to count to. Look at you. Look at how you lack fitness and beauty. Just look.

The idea here is to cut to the core of that which you cannot even hide about yourself. I need to converse with you to figure out if you’re a Nazi but if you have a face like a baboon’s backside, I can see that right away and I have all the ammo I need.

Why it Fails: This is pretty much the bottom of the insult barrel. There’s only one rung lower on the ladder and that’s calling someone a doodoo head or maybe saying they smell, possibly supplying a doodle diagram with visible stink-lines as back-up documentation. You’re in lower grade school range here. In terms of insults, this is like opening a game of Scrabble with the word “cat.” Yeah, you can do it but come on.

This tactic is the insult equivalent of Jesse Ventura’s character in Predator. It’s that mouthful of chewing tobacco and a mini gun just mowing down everything with no thought or finesse because forget that. It takes the literal least amount of effort possible. It’s a sleep fart. It’s eating pudding with just your tongue because the spoons are all the way over there.



What They’re Trying to Say: This is the new kid on the insult block and he is keen to be seen. You can’t fart towards Sean Hannity without someone going all MAGA on you and labeling you a snowflake cuck libtard progressive commie. The driving force behind these insults is that you’re too precious for your own good. While real Americans are made of grit and determination and beef and Jesus, you’re made of meringue and other French garbage that no one asked for. We were elected to win in Pittsburgh, not Paris!

The snowflake is, of course, a precious and unique individual who not only craves but demands special treatment. They must be nurtured and cherished at all times for they are too fragile to last in the real world full of fire and real work. Likewise, the libtard is someone who has the brazen audacity to question conservativism from their position of ignorant hypocrisy to the point that we must assume their liberalism has “tarded” their brains.

Why it Fails: Maybe they just mean you’re a p***y but don’t want to say p***y because p***y is more offensive and women are less apt to want to throw that one around. But let’s be honest, that’s what they mean. So you’re a p***y. Libtard essentially means the same thing – you’re liberal, and also retarded. But they don’t want to say retarded because that word is offensive too, and this makes them feel better. It’s every bit as ineffective as it is unintelligent.

You Live In Your Mom’s Basement

Moms Basement

What They’re Trying to Say: mother of all online insults. It’s fragile and old like grandma’s hips. It dates back to the very formation of the internet, when inventor Al Gore sent an ASCII image of Mom’s basement to another nerd who printed it on the dot matrix printer and wept softly as the tears mixed with whatever orange snack dust pre-dated Cheetos.

The goal is to say that you have social issues. You live a dungeon life because as you became a grownup, you were incapable of living on your own so you migrated downward, to the clammy confines of your mother’s basement. Why not your father? Because you still suckle from the proverbial teat. You cower in shadows, feasting on your salty, cheesy snack foods, perhaps imbibing the Dew and hammering away at your precious online games.

Why it Fails: Why did the chicken cross the road? To ask some guy why he lived in his mom’s basement. Then they hopped in a Ford Model T and drove to the malt shop to order a Lime Rickey and waited for someone to cure polio. This insult is so unoriginal, Hollywood is currently adapting it into six different movies.

Besides, I live in the attic. With no Cheetos.