Those Hollywood writers. They think they know us. “Put this in the script; everybody says it.” That may be true in their world, where the definition of “everybody” is the few people that live in their well-constructed Hollywood bubble where the size of your bank account determines your rank in society and where that bank account gives you the authority to order people in Nebraska what to do with their lives. Just to show you how ridiculous they are, here is a list of the top 10 sayings from movies that no one uses in real life.
When the main character finds that thing that everyone has been searching for since Pharaoh first enslaved the Israelites, what is with the need to go with a word that is only said out loud by very elderly, blue-haired people whose lives have slumped so significantly that this crazy card with uncooked beans laid out in a linear pattern is the highlight of the week? I hope that when I’m 500 years old, I’m at least in a decent enough of a facility that I can still grasp the rules of a game of UNO – or some other game that became popular sometime after the Hoover Administration.
9) “This time, it’s personal”
I have actually heard this once in my life outside of movie theaters, about 20 years or so ago. A buddy of mine, deeply in love with his 1980-something Volvo, drove it long past its useful life span. But he sent it to the shop one more time. When it came back, he called me and said, “It’s baaa-aack! My Volvo – The Revenge Tour! And this time, it’s personal.” That was a level of ridiculous so outrageous that I saved that voice mail for years. Have never heard the phrase used by anyone since then.
8) “I’ve always wanted to say that”
And exactly what is stopping you? OK, so the state of California is trying to criminalize words in the dictionary, but that’s California. If you live there, just hang on until The Earthquake that breaks California off and sends it into the Pacific, then hop on back to the mainland. Otherwise, say whatever you bloody well want to. Very few people will care.
7) “Get him outta here!”
Of the 11,487,236,512,947 crime dramas that have ever been broadcast, all but 3 of them contained a crime-fighter declaring saying this to his/her partner at the end of the mystery-solving interrogation. It’s useless, because that is the obvious next step. What’s your partner going to do, Gibbs, take the perp to Starbucks for a tall mocha latte? Just give him a very dirty look and walk out. Somehow, I think your partner will figure out that it’s time to move him to a different location.
6) “Would you excuse us?”
Have you ever walked into a room where other people were present, and asked them to leave the room so you could have a private conversation? I’m assuming no, because I’m assuming you have social skills that are superior to the average aardvark. Even if you don’t have social skills superior to the average aardvark, the first time you did this and were told, “Uh, Moron, we were already here, so find another spot for your little pow-wow” it would probably be the last. Even an aardvark could figure that out.
5) “Is that a (insert name of object here) in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me?”
If your arousal is that obvious, the first thing you need to do is buy clothing that fits properly. The second thing you need to do is keep calm and try not to react when she says “quite a boner you got there; you’ve been out of action a while” instead of this lame movie line. Just abandon whatever objective you had and go get those better-fitting clothes you so desperately need.
4) “Are you threatening me?” (see also “Is that a threat?”)
This one carries all the intellectual prowess of, “Wow, the sky is awfully blue today!” Like it’s supposed to be tangerine or puce or something. It’s a completely useless question, because even the regular housefly knows when it’s being threatened, so it’s even more obvious for even the most obtuse member of the highest-ranking species.
3) “Not so fast”
There is one, and ONLY one, person that actually says this out loud. That is Lee Corso, the 1,385-year-old talking head on the “College GameDay” show on ESPN every Saturday morning during college football season. It’s part of his schtick, along with putting on the head of the mascot of the team he predicts will win the most important game of the week. Other than that, you will only hear this in TV shows and movies. Cuz the writers are in their Hollywood bubble and whatnot.
2) “Is that all you got?”
The classic, macho attempt to appear not defeated when clearly defeated in a fight. Of course, no one says this in real life because no one actually fights anymore. Everyone who has the insecure “I AM THE MAN” complex carries a gun to prove how tough they are. That’s too bad, because the hand-to-hand combat in movies is usually pretty entertaining. So, youngsters, stop stealing your daddy’s guns and try using this line instead. Yeah, it’s a lame line, but it sure beats that 20-years-to-life sentence you’ll end up with after shooting someone for talking junk about your shoes.
1) “It’s not what it looks like”
Hmmm… well, it looks like you’re having a very intense sexual experience with a person you’re not married to. But I suppose it’s possible that you’re right, and it actually is a group planning session discussing what to buy for your spouse’s next birthday. No, Shakespeare wanna-be, it’s EXACTLY what it looks like. Just own up to it, make no excuses, and don’t blame other people because you have the self-control of the average hyena during mating season. It’s nobody’s fault but your own.